Learn Social-Bonding (Not Team-Building) To Foster Relationships At Work

Guest blog post by Jacques The Party Scientist (He/Him)  

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Leadership Retreat in Colorado, 2021.

I was one of the chief facilitators. A group of 30 strangers came together east of Denver, spending three days together.

After many circles like this, the closing ceremony happened. Everyone had a turn to share. And almost everyone said they had never experienced so much psychological safety, warmth, and inclusivity in their lives.

So what did we do?

We implemented the science of social-bonding.

In this post, I'll share the differences between social-bonding and the cringey team-building that your company forces you to do. I will argue that your money is better spent on social-bonding. Finally, I'll share some of my recommendations for implementing social-bonding within your organization.

Ready to innovate how your company approaches relationship-building? If not, please exit this page.

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The central question of this article is this: What is the most effective way to create social bonds among humans?

The Status Quo

Take a look around and you'll notice that a lot of leaders have either not asked themselves this question or have a really bad answer. For average corporate leaders, it is team-building. You can find a list of 'team-building' exercises on platforms like Elevent and Airbnb Experiences.

Although team-building has a positive denotation — that is, 'team' and 'building' does not construe a total waste of time — it has some negative connotations. Largely, because it is often forced onto participants and has no depth.

Comedians, escape rooms, and LEGOs are 'shallow fun.'

For the critical leader, team-building has the connotations of being ineffective, shallow, and temporary. Let me tell you why.

Team-building games are done once, usually at a larger company event, and they often do not require vulnerability or courage by participants. Deep relationships are not formed on the surface. Nor are they formed in one sitting. They must be continually nurtured.

If you want to foster healthy relationships at work, you'll have to do something recurrently.

Here's how most corporate leaders approach team-building: alcohol, games, and shows. Again, go on Airbnb Experiences, Elevent, or any other team-building platform for direct evidence.

I hate to break it to you, but these approaches waste employee time and company resources. If you're going to bring more than 20 people into the same room, it makes sense to be more strategic with how you engage in fun, so that it translates into cultural change.

When so much effort has been made to get everyone in the same room, it makes sense to go deeper.

For an estimate of how much a gathering costs, in terms of employee time, use the Gathering Effect's calculator.

Let's summarize what I have shared about traditional team-building.

1. Team-building often has no follow-up, and it is done too sporadically to have a lasting effect. 
2. Team-building often does not involve deliberate practice of any skills — the essential feedback mechanism by which skills, including relational skills, can be sharpened (1).
3. Most team-building events (ex. river rafting) are shallow fun. Participants are not practicing vulnerability, eye contact, active listening, or empathy. Rather, they are socializing according to default social norms. This form of socialization is shallow. I've written about this.
4. Forced fun does the opposite of what it is intended to do. It alienates employees (2).

Sources: (1) (2)

The New Era of Social-Bonding

We asked ourselves a question at the beginning of this article, and now it's time to explore the evidence-based answer.

Q: What is the most effective activity for fostering social bonds among humans?

Whatever the activity is, there are criteria that highly effective social-bonding activities fulfill. They...

1. Induce the release of social trust neurotransmitters: oxytocin and endorphins.
2. Necessitate participants to exercise courage and vulnerability, that is, take social risks.
3. Create a sense of emotional synchrony — people feel the same emotions.
4. Involve a high level of authentic social validation among participants.

The most effective practice for cultivating social trust must fulfill these 4 criteria in my experience. But really, just number 1. The other criteria operate through number 1. They activate social neurochemistry.

So what can leaders do to activate these neurotransmitters?

Let's take a look at fundamental social behaviors that do this. There's eye contact, touch, verbal validation, nonverbal validation, physical synchrony (movement), vocal synchrony (song or cheer), and laughter. These are known to be the neurochemically-active building blocks of human connection.

The more present they are in our interactions, the more social neurochemistry will be activated.

Certain practices involve many of these building blocks. Normative conversations over drinks, on the other hand, only involve verbal validation. So, if you're facilitating something that goes beyond merely talking, you're taking a step in the right direction!

Out of all the social activities leaders can choose from, I want to give you a list of my top recommendations. The list does not include building marshmallow towers or playing with legos. I have tested the following activities and know that they activate social neurochemistry.

Authentic Relating. ex. The Curiosity Game.

Story Telling. ex. Life Journeys.

Improv Games. ex. Press Conference.

Touch-Based Games. ex. Triangle Tag.

Partner Dances. ex. Mirroring.

Vyving.™ ex. Festival Client.

Vyving is a sequence of dance, song, touch, and play exercises, boosted by emotion- and memory-laden music. 

Two observations from the list.

One. When we stack different activities together, more social neurochemistry is activated. This is why vyving, the activity I invented, is my highest recommendation. It happens in three stages: 1. Relaxation. 2. Vitality. 3. Belonging. The relaxation and vitality stages put people into a positive, energized state—making them more receptive to the next stage, which takes them into the depths. The last stage is authentic relating.

When positive emotions are already present, deeper forms of emotional bonding become possible.

Two. Some practices do not involve the intellect (they are body-based). To build social bonds, it is not necessary to understand someone intellectually. You can feel close to someone without knowing their name, age, or personal history. This does not mean that authentic-relating, a practice based on personal disclosure, is not powerful. It is just less powerful than a combination of intellect- and body-based activities = stacking.

In this section, we set the criteria for the ultimate relationship-building practice and learned about 6 candidates. We concluded that the most effective relationship building practice is a stacking of practices involving the body and the intellect, beginning with an activity that induces positive emotions.

This is why vyving™ takes the lead as my top recommendation for social-bonding. It involves touch, nonverbal and verbal validation, vocal and physical synchrony, and laughter — all the neurochemically active building blocks.

The problem is, vyving™ requires a professional facilitator and curated playlists and sequences of activities... so what should the average joe do after reading this article? How can you apply what you've learned here?

Take baby steps.

1. Start by trying an exercise from the links above or from my joy toolkit or vulnerability toolkit.
2. Avoid the temptation to book an entertainer, game show, or escape room — unless you want to merely have fun.
3. Make it an explicit priority in your team to experiment with new ways of relating and having fun. Emphasize the importance of taking risks and growing as leaders.
4. Before leading a new activity, frame the activity so people can consent wholeheartedly. New social activities do not work unless participants are committed and understand your motives in introducing them.

By introducing interpersonal games and connection exercises to your group, you are participating in the evolution of social norms on this planet... toward more effective relationship-building practices.

Thank you.

Final Recommendation

Try a structured conversation game, based on authentic relating. These are the least risky games.

Jacques W. Martiquet is a corporate event strategist who helps human-centered workplaces design shared experiences that create a lasting difference in mental health, psychological safety, and belonging. Since 2017, Jacques has been earning his title as The Party Scientist by leading thousands of dance parties and shared experiences across 15 countries, and for companies like Accenture, LUSH, and Lululemon.Jacques is on a public health mission to transform how the west socializes. From alcohol and shows... to human connection and fun. Everything he does is informed by one belief: human connection is the elixir of life.   

The Mystery of the Absent Associates 

Applying Design Thinking to Employee UX work

By Ceara Crawshaw (and Melissa McHenry) @ Pencil & Paper Experience Design
 

When Melissa and I started working together, I was a UX designer and she was an HR lead. As we got to know each other better, through discussions surrounding different scenarios at work, it became clear that our fields weren’t so different. 

Being a UX designer means that I need to solve problems and come up with creative solutions using both research and experimentation. I use the exact same kind of interviewing skills as she does, we just have different approaches and end goals. We also have the overlapping mindset of being user-centred in what we do.

We discovered through many interesting conversations that certain HR initiatives would really benefit from the UX research approach and that it seemed like limitless possibilities were in front of us. What if we could take all of those positive HR initiatives and support them with research so that their adoption was more like the approach taken in developing products? What if we could extend this user-centred approach past specific initiatives to address culture overall? 

Employee UX mysteries

We also wanted to figure out a nice way to talk about Employee UX and culture in a relatable way... so we explored the idea of helping people with their culture concerns in the format of mysteries…That’s how the Employee UX Mystery Series was born! 

In the series, we chronicle your (fictional) neighborhood software company, Acme Co. as they navigate the trials and tribulations of a typical tech company. Throughout the series, they deal with issues around managing client expectations, missed deadlines and bad morale. The most recent cases focus more on situations that arise after a sudden shift in work styles: going remote. We expect you can relate!

Here we’ll share some deeper insights about our latest case, The Mystery of The Absent Associates. and how we apply design thinking to address this workplace challenge.

The story

Our entire team at Acme Co. has gone remote. The HR Lead and Product Manager plan a happy hour for employees where hardly anyone shows up. Upset, they vow to never even try this again, if people are going to be so flaky. 

Then our team steps in to investigate and get to the bottom of the issue. Through open-ended interviews with team members, we uncover a series of clues:

What we see arise from these clues are some underlying issues that seem to be at the heart of the drama. Take a few of the clues as examples…

  Further questions we’d ask when hearing something like this:

• Are there communication mechanisms in place where people can report what they are working on, while still maintaining dedicated focus time?

• Do people understand what is the best use of team chat vs. email? 

  • Do you have specific guidelines created which would allow people to understand the expectations for communication channels? (email response = 24-48h, chat = same day) 

• Is there any communication strategies in the calendar or chat program which could help people understand each other’s schedules better? 

• Is your work organized in a way where you centralize the decisions (like in a project management software)?

Further questions we’d ask when hearing something like this:

• This is a ‘knowledge work’ environment, so what’s the culture surrounding focus?

• Is there a culture of mutual respect for one another’s time as well as their focus?

• How can etiquette be communicated in a way where collaboration needs are met, and focus is sustained?

• As a team, what is the main priority - fast responses or focused, productive time? (this will likely vary from function to function - for support teams, responses are very important, for development teams, creating code is very important which requires long, sustained focus).

Further questions we’d ask when hearing something like this:

• Working remotely is a sudden shift in work style for many people - understanding each other's workflows is even more important when you can’t see each other. 

• How long has it taken other morale boosting initiatives to catch on in the past? Has it been immediate or has it taken some trial and error? 

Further questions we’d ask when hearing something like this:

• How do teams factor in email time into their workflow? For employer communications, what is the expectation around reading and responding to emails?

• Is there a company-wide communication mechanism that could work better for team members?

• Can things that are company-wide be distributed in a more efficient way? Perhaps a breakdown of decisions, general communication, strategic changes and processes need their own special treatment? Some things might be better as documentation, other things as intranet blog posts etc. 

What did Acme Do?
Following the investigation, Acme decides to get their teams together and run some workshops to find solutions to their communication issues. Examples include: adding a chat status protocol (free/not free), optional meeting invitations and communicating meeting outcomes to people who choose not to attend and blocking off calendar times for taking in company communications. 

What else would we like to do in a situation like this?

This situation is a great design problem, because it involves a lot of conflicting factors and extra complexity: people aren’t used to communicating in a new way. Some ideas people come up with may or may not work in day-to-day life. This is why, if Acme Co. was real, we would take a prototyping approach - trying certain things for a limited period of time. Then we would measure how effective these changes were, and we’d reassess. This iterative approach is central to UX design work and could work well in this context. If the team was already trained in Agile, the ‘continuous improvement’ philosophy would likely complement this sort of approach. 

 Either way, we want to reflect the overall design process when doing Employee UX work by taking the following steps:

1.   Discover: interviews and other ux research 
2. Design/iterate: co-create new ways to work and more robust processes together as a team
3. Measure: see if the new processes are working, create a hard and fast metric to measure and have a periodical check in to see if the ‘new design’ actually works

Conclusion 

Culture issues can feel like a mystery to solve, especially when there are a lot of people in the equation. Applying the research/analysis phase before implementation of a new process seems to us like a very effective way to do things. More than that, it furthers our human-centred/employee-centred approach to crafting workplaces which are both fulfilling and meaningful as well as productive and healthy. 

We're curious to hear your thoughts: would you solve the case the same way we would?

Our other cases: 

• The Case of the Vanishing Project

  • Themes: Product management and customer validation

• The Case of the Rising Tensions 

  • Themes: bringing on a new role, while keeping the workflow the same

• The Case of the Tanking Team 

  • Themes: change management, communication and workflow

• The Case of the Absent Associates

  • Themes: employee engagement and communication after going remote

• The Case of the Quitting Client

  • Themes: Internal communication including documentation and a single source of truth 

• The Case of the Splitting Recruits

  • About the onboarding process and the impact it can have on new team members

 If you’re interested, you can read these Employee UX mysteries here.

 Pencil & Paper is an experience design agency in Victoria, BC - specializing in user experience design for FinTech, BioTech, Startups and Employee UX. Our vision is to help companies orient themselves in this human-centred direction while using real information from employees themselves to create healthy workplaces. 

HAVE AN ARTICLE YOU WANT TO SHARE?  Click here to learn more about submitting a guest blog post. 

Introverts and Extroverts – Who Wins at Home?

by Bruna Martinuzzi

Staying home under lockdown has given introverts the edge over extroverts – right? They have, after all, prepared for this scenario all their lives.

For sure, introverts who live solo can concentrate on their work and no longer need to find excuses for not mingling with the office crowd. But those who are housebound with an extroverted partner 24/7 may find this time particularly challenging.

The Conflicting Needs of Introverts and Extroverts

I spoke to Hile Rutledge to find out more. He’s president and principal consultant of organization development firm OKA, and author of numerous books on personality assessments. He told me: “Working from home is hitting a bullseye on the core differences between those of us who prefer extroversion and [those who prefer] introversion.

“Extroverts fret over their introverted partners’ foot-dragging over a conversation or small social check-in, while introverts low boil over their extroverts’ seemingly bottomless need to ‘plug-in.'”

Rutledge reminded me that, “Introverts tend to feel that parallel play is binding.” That is, “I can be here doing my work while you are right there doing your project, and even though we’re not talking directly, we are ‘together.'” Rutledge recommends that we, “Allow, and even invite, others to have space and quiet time from each other.”

How to Be Together, Apart

A coaching client of mine, who is a professed introvert, has created what he calls a “mental sanctuary.” This is an agreed-upon time where everyone sharing a cramped apartment can don their headphones and lose themselves in reading a book, listening to a podcast, meditation, or taking a virtual tour of a museum.

He said, “In our house, we have set up a blissful mental escape after dinner every evening.” It’s working well, and each person is looking forward to their hour and a half of quiet time, while in the same room.

Looking ahead, increasing numbers of employees will be working from home permanently, and others will adopt a mix of home and office.

This emergence of hybrid workplaces is revealed, for example, in a recent Gartner CFO survey. It shows that 74 percent of respondents intend to shift some employees permanently to remote work. And Deutsche Bank’s survey of financial services workers found that 57 percent thought they would work from home between one and three days a week once the lockdown has ended.

Socializing as an Introvert

There’s been an uptick lately in online office social activities. These include virtual happy hours at the end of each day, movie nights, virtual team-building and board game exercises, and recipe swaps. 

They can be a kind of a lifeline for extroverts, who may be getting cabin fever, but are often a minefield for introverts.

Another client of mine, who is an avowed introvert, made a remark at the start of the pandemic that surprised me. He said, “My anxiety level has been at its lowest in years.”

He explained that the constant face-to-face interactions in an office teeming with people broke his concentration. It invariably spiked his anxiety at some point every day. In contrast, working from home, he can deal with issues more effectively by email, and he can concentrate. “Overall,” he explained, “my productivity is up, and my anxiety is down.”

But he’s finding the recent increase of invitations to team social events somewhat troublesome. He mentioned two of the latest ones: sharing of bucket lists in a Zoom party and a video peek into one another’s homes. These types of well-meaning requests are intruding on his routine and mental space.

Yet he is somewhat uneasy about declining to participate, for fear of being judged as a less sociable team member.

Designing the Virtual Workplace with Introverts in Mind

Jennifer B. Kahnweiler is the author of “Creating Introvert-Friendly Workplaces,” and I asked her what’s going on. She said, “Companies don’t want to lose touch with their teams and are concerned about relationships suffering and motivation dropping.

“However, what they need to realize is that introverts working at home crave quiet time where they can think and decompress. Adding another social “to do” to the list is actually having the opposite impact.”

But there are solutions. Kahnweiler continued, “I heard about one global company that matched people up randomly with each other for the phone call. They called it ‘Mystery Caller.’ Introverts liked it because it was low-key, they could do it on their own schedule, and it allowed for a deeper, one-on-one conversation.”

Remember, introverts may be observant and reserved, but they are not anti-social! They value social connection as everybody else does. They just don’t like to overdo it.

Tips for Managing Digital Overwhelm

Here are a few other suggestions to consider in the “new normal” of working from home:

• Don’t expect a colleague’s digital door to be open at all times. Instead, make an appointment for a call. This can go a long way to help both extrovert and introvert team members manage their day.
• Schedule enough breaks between online meetings so that people don’t feel overwhelmed.
• Make it acceptable for people to turn off their camera during group video calls if they so wish.
• Make it known that it’s OK to use the old-fashioned telephone instead.
• Frame virtual fun or team building events as a choice, not an obligation.
• Make it OK for people to drop in and out of social events. For example, don’t pressure people to stay for the duration of the happy hour.

We each have our preference for ways of working and interacting. Making space to accommodate these preferences will help everyone to operate better – and to feel understood and cared for in these challenging times.

You can discover more top tips for keeping well and productive, whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, by reading the latest Mind Tools guide to working from home.

Bruna Martinuzzi is the founder of Clarion Enterprises Ltd., specializing in presentation skills training and leadership communication coaching. She has helped thousands of individuals improve their presentation skills and become more effective communicators. She is the author of Presenting with Credibility: Practical Tools and Techniques for Effective Presentations (2012) and The Leader as a Mensch: Become the Kind of Person Others Want to Follow (2009.)

This article first appeared on the Mind Tools blog at  https://www.mindtools.com/blog/introverts-extroverts-who-wins-home/